Amusing Self-catering Cottage Enquiries

holiday cottage dog bed

Some of the enquiries and requests that we receive are extremely funny, therefore this page.  If you have a moment to spare, read and laugh with us. We also receive the occasional entertaining complaint about Country Cottages Online.

Self-catering Enquiry 1

"Can you tell me if you have anything in St. Davids, Pembrokeshire, Wales, sleeping 4-5 with a large dog?"

Country Cottages Online: We have numerous holiday cottages to choose from but you have to supply own large dog.

Self-catering Enquiry 2:


Please could you forward info on cottages for hire over the New Year period, preferably to sleep a maximum of 12 people and with an indoor pool/spa. The last item is not a must have item, but it would be nice, also, if we have to be split between more than one cottage on a site we would still be interested.

Fair enough - but do we have any cottages with pool sleeping 12 left? No chance!

Enquiry sent to the owner of a country house in Tayside, Scotland:

Dear Laird

this enquirer would ideally like cottage with a swimming pool for New Year  but your country house must have loads of space for partying, the odd ghost,.. etc. which surely compensates for the pool?

The Laird  replies:

.. Many thanks for your referral but apart from being booked for Christmas and New Year, we can of course call up our Ghosts at any time! The one with the chains and peculiar moan is always popular!!

We also have our very large pool about seven miles long and a quarter of a mile wide called Loch Voil which, if you chip the ice off it at new year, (It's also pretty cold in summer) you could have a nice swim! - if the Monster is not about!.....


Self-catering Enquiry 3:

Further to our telephone conversation today, I would like to go ahead and confirm booking of the above property for the dates in November. I look forward to receiving booking details from you and then i will transfer deposit funds via internal bank.

I wish I had an internal bank, it would save all those trips into town and I could set my own rates .


Self-catering Enquiry 4:

I want a little cottage for Mummy & Daddy

Name: Abby
Comments: Hello, I am Abby and I am a two year old black Labrador.

Mummy & Daddy have gone out and I am in charge of the house till they get back.

Mummy & Daddy want to come to Norfolk in September because that is when they can take a week off from work.

I really want to come to Norfolk as it sounds a really nice place to come and I can have swims and long walkies. Mummy & Daddy tell me that because of the nasty bank managers, times are very difficult and they can't afford so much bone money this year.

They will be angry that I have written to you, but they are working so hard and they really do need a break away from the nasty office. I have heard them talk to other people and they say we have to tighten our belts. Not really sure what that means because I don't have a belt, but it sounds really painful!

We need a small cottage in North Norfolk with a little garden where I can sunbathe and a place for us to park our car.

If I promise to be very good and get Mummy & Daddy to leave everything clean as we arrived, can you help us with the bone money? I heard them saying that they were hoping to pay around £300 because that was all we had in the doggie bank

I really do want to come and stay in one of your cottages.

Please do write back soon. I will give you a lick and a welcome if we get to Norfolk. I will also ask Mummy & Daddy to bring you some nice wine to drink. They are really nice people and are very well behaved most of the time. I am still training them though.

Woof Woof - actually I don't bark much, my real daddy was a gun dog and mummy was a show dog. That must be where I get my good looks and intelligence from!

Please write soon.

Lots of love, kisses, wagging tails and cuddles.



Self-catering Enquiry 5:

Is your holiday cottage pet-friendly for cats?

Name: Carol
Comments: Do you allow cats to stay in your cottage?.

Sadly we don’t allow cats – not since the monkey anyway. People wouldn’t keep them in cages and they scratch, jump up and knock things over, sit on all furnishings and shed lots of hair, also quite a few people are allergic to cat fur so it could cause problems for regular visitors.

On the positive side they kill mice and may get rid of Sammy Squirrel in the loft space for me. Sadly the cons outweigh the pros however.


I think that that’s a no then.


Tortoises yes Cats definitely not.


Best Wishes,

 Please note: we do have cat-friendly holiday cottages to rent. Please contact Country Cottages for details.


More funnies to be added soon.  if you would like amusing self-catering anecdotes of your own added to this page then please email them to us.


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